Change
Wow! It has been a very long time since I have posted anything to this blog. I thought about it numerous times but, I wasn't quite sure how I would explain my disappearance or even if I had the right words to express the roller coaster of life that I have been riding this year. As I had hoped, when ringing in the 2012 year, it has been full of big things and changes. When the new year brought a fresh start, just as it always promises, the things it held for me, were not exactly all changes that I had imagined or dreamed for myself.
Now that I don't sound like the typical Unperfected Perfectionist that usually tries to provide my readers with inspiration, stories of real life stuff and ways to stay positive in this crazy thing called life, I will try my very best to share my changes with some sort of positive outlook. All I can ask of you, is that you bear with me as you read this post. This is the first time that I was confident enough to share the roller coaster ride that I've been riding the last several months with high hopes that it will soon slow down and I am able to disembark from it and settle into a more even keeled life.
Here we go...
Shortly after I had written my last post, which was the first part of January, my life seemed to fall apart at the seams. My husband and I separated and he moved out. I honestly wasn't sure how I was going to make it through the next day, and then the next and so on. I felt like I was grieving a death. In a sense, that is exactly what I was experiencing...the death of my marriage. It was the most awful feeling I could have ever imagined. I cried and cried and have never felt more empty in my life. I had spent 16 years of my life with this man and now, suddenly he was no longer a part of my life. We had been struggling with our relationship for quite some time but, I never thought that we would come to the point in which we would just quit and throw everything away. I wanted to give my marriage every last effort and fight that I had within me. Unfortunately, it was not in my control. He was ready to move on from our marriage. He did not think there was anything left worth saving. Wow!
I believe the next few weeks that followed this, were somewhat of a blur. I felt like I walked around in a fog. My mind was bombarded by so many thoughts of every little detail of the last 16 years and every little detail of my future life. I was unable to focus on much of anything. There were many days that I would just sit in my favorite leather chair and stare out the window as my thoughts began to wander and before I knew it several hours had passed before me. I would feel horrible that I had wasted that time doing nothing. Looking back at those hours of what seemed like wasted time, I think it was probably somewhat good for me to really think about my life as a whole. In reality it was feeling anything but, whole and it really allowed me to look into myself and who I am and where the empty parts of me were. I came to the realization that I had lost myself somewhere along the way. You may be asking...how does one lose themselves? Well, in my case, I have always tried to make everyone happy and do all I can for anyone and everyone. I think I have mentioned this before and it usually makes me very happy and is very fulfilling to have that purpose in life. The downside is when I would continually give everything of myself and was not often being fulfilled as a result of it never being enough. Am I making any sense at all? I know that I can't possibly be the only person in this world that has ever felt this way. My favorite analogy for this is the whole idea of having your tank filled. Just as a gas tank on a car, if its empty, it goes nowhere and can't do anything. When your tank is full, in an emotional sense, one can function at its very best potential. If its empty, it can leave one feeling as if treading water and getting nowhere. For me, it was such an emptiness that it felt numb and void of the feel good feelings that everyone deserves. Yes, I very much believe that we all make our own happiness and have the choice to do so with each new day. Unfortunately, if you are to a point in which you feel like you have been knocked down to the ground, there is no possible way to fall any further....
This is what made me realize that I had no other choice or option than to look up. Pull up my bootstraps, as my mom would so often tell me, and move forward and think positive about my future. What use is it to sit and watch my life pass me by? NO chance in this world was I going to let that happen. I have NEVER been a quitter and I refuse to start quitting now! I have been able to overcome many things in my life that, at the time, I never thought I would be able to get through. Thank goodness, this girl was born with quite a strong "fight or flight" response....I am a fighter! I will persevere through whatever life hands me. If someone tells me I can't do something, I will most definitely do everything in my power to reach within myself and prove them wrong. I hate asking others for help. I am thinking of a perfect example, as of recent, of the "do it myself" mentality that I hold. About a month ago, I decided I was going to give my bedroom a makeover as a fresh starting point of this new future ahead. Well, I did almost everything myself. I painted the ceiling, moved my king size, wrought iron, four poster bed and two very heavy dressers, painted the walls, hung new art on the walls with no help whatsoever. I did, however, suck it up and ask my brother-in-law to hang the candle sconces on the wall because I did not want to make a mistake and have to fix the wall. After completing my room with new bedding, amazing photographs, taken by a very good friend, hanging on the wall and a few new beach smelling candles, I felt so happy with my accomplishment. I have never loved my bedroom more! It is now my own perfect oasis. The photo that hangs above my bed is where the inspiration for the entire room began. It is of a monarch butterfly on the beach. Yes, it is the photo that welcomed you to this post. I have always loved butterflies and feel they hold some symbolism that apply to me. The process of being released from the cocoon to be free and find what the world holds is dead on symbolism for me.
Now, several months have passed and I am hoping that the hardest days are now behind me. I won't hide the fact that I still often have days that I just feel sad and angry that this is the turn my life took. I try my best to let those days slide off my back and not drag me down. Emma and I have kept busy and been able to keep our normal day to day routine without too much of an adjustment. We have spent lots of time with family and friends. It has been really tough for me when she has to go with my husband for dinner or overnights. I know how very important it is that she always have a wonderful relationship with her daddy, regardless if he and I are together. Although it does not make it any easier for me each time that I have to pack her suitcase. I'll be honest, I think I still shed tears each time she walks out the door. I think it will always be heartbreaking for me because we are not a family unit anymore. No one ever thinks their marriage will end up in divorce, and I most certainly never thought that either. My heart breaks for her. She is the reason I get out of bed each day. I have tried my very best to be strong for her through this. Of course, there has been many times that I would just fall apart and sob. I have voiced to her over and over again that I am trying my very best to be everything right now and that sometimes, I just get overwhelmed. I make sure that she knows its okay to show emotion and that no emotion is wrong to feel. It is all normal. She worries like crazy about me but, that is just her nature. I'd be willing to bet she got that trait from me. It is both a wonderful and difficult trait to possess. We must move ahead together as a team. We have an amazingly close relationship and bond with each other. I have never been more thankful that we are so close. We have this super keen sense of what each other needs. Last night, in fact, we were talking and I started crying and she started crying and we both looked at each other and just started laughing uncontrollably. The whole mood changed and we forgot we were sad. For the rest of the evening, we would just look at each other and burst out in laughter. Gosh laughter can be such wonderful medicine. It is even greater in tough times such as now.
Another huge thing that has helped me through this has been going to coffee in the mornings. My sister encouraged me to join her and I was a bit hesitant at first but, its been such a blessing. There is the same group of people that sit and chat each day. It is like therapy for my soul. I can not tell you how much I had been missing simple face to face conversation with people in my daily life. I have made some really great friends that have been so caring and supportive. I love that I can go there and be myself. I can vent, cry, laugh or say something totally stupid and they will still think its important. I had been somewhat isolating myself for so long that I had forgotten how great it felt to feed my soul with conversation and wonderful company. For all that something so simple as a cup of coffee in the morning, has brought to my life, I thank my sister so very much for encouraging me until I finally joined her.
And my novel continues...
Another big and exciting thing in my life is that I am currently in a program to become a personal trainer. As many of you already know, I am somewhat of fitness freak. Perhaps I have slacked a bit lately as a result of my roller coaster life and utter fatigue. But, that is besides the point. I have a passion for fitness, namely running, and also helping others. I have thought many times that becoming a personal trainer would be a perfect and fulfilling fit for me. The situation of my husband and I ending our marriage, allowed me to decide to do this for myself. I vacillated several times on whether or not it was the right decision and something told me that I should just take the plunge and go for it. I was definitely feeling a bit out of my comfort zone stepping back into the classroom atmosphere after so many years. After the first couple of classes, I felt much more comfortable and began getting to know the others in the class. A class of only 9 students makes a very good learning environment for me. I am about halfway through the class and am feeling very good about my decision. I am really enjoying it. I still have yet to decide what my ultimate goal will be once I pass the certification exam. Right now, I just need to do my best to focus and complete the class to the best of my ability, especially with all of the other things going on in my life. My concentration has been somewhat difficult considering all of the thoughts that are constantly bombarding my brain 24/7. I am absolutely sure that I get exhausted just from my mind constantly running! Relaxing has always been a tough thing for me and lately, it seems to be worse. I know that the future holds good things ahead and that one day, I'll be able to relax and stop thinking about everything and everyone and possibly even accept the fact that I can not solve the worlds problems myself. I am only one person and am only capable of so much. So much easier said than done.
Throughout the last several months, I have been so blessed with an amazing support group of people in my life. It has provided me the opportunity to reconnect with my family and friends again. Since I had somewhat isolated myself for quite some time, I didn't often see the people that I cared about and cared for me. I have had so much fun catching up with the important people in my life. I have shared many tears and lots and lots of laughter with my family and friends. I also learned that in times like this, you really find out who your true friends are and those who are not. I am very grateful for all of the things that I have learned, both large and small, throughout this rough patch in my life. I know that it is such a good sign that I am still able to see the positive things and bright spots in such a tough situation. Things can only move forward from here and keep looking up.
Okay, I am going to finally wrap up this post. I have been working on this post over the course of the last several days. I have always written honestly about the experiences in my life and enjoy sharing it with you, my readers. I don't think I've ever had a tougher post to write than this one. It dragged out lots of emotion for me. I have never taken several days to write a single post. I apologize for the extremely long novel that it turned into. It will have likely taken you almost as long to read it as it did for me to compose it! I tried to just share a brief synopsis and as usual, it became much more detailed. Believe it or not, I only touched the surface. I feel better now that I am back to writing again. I hope that I have not scared you away because of the surprising turn of events in my life or even more so, that my posts will keep being too long and time consuming for anyone to read. I promise to be much more brief in upcoming posts and hope to get back to writing more regularly again. I hope you have a wonderful day! I'll leave you with one last thing that I would like to share...
I believe the next few weeks that followed this, were somewhat of a blur. I felt like I walked around in a fog. My mind was bombarded by so many thoughts of every little detail of the last 16 years and every little detail of my future life. I was unable to focus on much of anything. There were many days that I would just sit in my favorite leather chair and stare out the window as my thoughts began to wander and before I knew it several hours had passed before me. I would feel horrible that I had wasted that time doing nothing. Looking back at those hours of what seemed like wasted time, I think it was probably somewhat good for me to really think about my life as a whole. In reality it was feeling anything but, whole and it really allowed me to look into myself and who I am and where the empty parts of me were. I came to the realization that I had lost myself somewhere along the way. You may be asking...how does one lose themselves? Well, in my case, I have always tried to make everyone happy and do all I can for anyone and everyone. I think I have mentioned this before and it usually makes me very happy and is very fulfilling to have that purpose in life. The downside is when I would continually give everything of myself and was not often being fulfilled as a result of it never being enough. Am I making any sense at all? I know that I can't possibly be the only person in this world that has ever felt this way. My favorite analogy for this is the whole idea of having your tank filled. Just as a gas tank on a car, if its empty, it goes nowhere and can't do anything. When your tank is full, in an emotional sense, one can function at its very best potential. If its empty, it can leave one feeling as if treading water and getting nowhere. For me, it was such an emptiness that it felt numb and void of the feel good feelings that everyone deserves. Yes, I very much believe that we all make our own happiness and have the choice to do so with each new day. Unfortunately, if you are to a point in which you feel like you have been knocked down to the ground, there is no possible way to fall any further....
This is what made me realize that I had no other choice or option than to look up. Pull up my bootstraps, as my mom would so often tell me, and move forward and think positive about my future. What use is it to sit and watch my life pass me by? NO chance in this world was I going to let that happen. I have NEVER been a quitter and I refuse to start quitting now! I have been able to overcome many things in my life that, at the time, I never thought I would be able to get through. Thank goodness, this girl was born with quite a strong "fight or flight" response....I am a fighter! I will persevere through whatever life hands me. If someone tells me I can't do something, I will most definitely do everything in my power to reach within myself and prove them wrong. I hate asking others for help. I am thinking of a perfect example, as of recent, of the "do it myself" mentality that I hold. About a month ago, I decided I was going to give my bedroom a makeover as a fresh starting point of this new future ahead. Well, I did almost everything myself. I painted the ceiling, moved my king size, wrought iron, four poster bed and two very heavy dressers, painted the walls, hung new art on the walls with no help whatsoever. I did, however, suck it up and ask my brother-in-law to hang the candle sconces on the wall because I did not want to make a mistake and have to fix the wall. After completing my room with new bedding, amazing photographs, taken by a very good friend, hanging on the wall and a few new beach smelling candles, I felt so happy with my accomplishment. I have never loved my bedroom more! It is now my own perfect oasis. The photo that hangs above my bed is where the inspiration for the entire room began. It is of a monarch butterfly on the beach. Yes, it is the photo that welcomed you to this post. I have always loved butterflies and feel they hold some symbolism that apply to me. The process of being released from the cocoon to be free and find what the world holds is dead on symbolism for me.
Now, several months have passed and I am hoping that the hardest days are now behind me. I won't hide the fact that I still often have days that I just feel sad and angry that this is the turn my life took. I try my best to let those days slide off my back and not drag me down. Emma and I have kept busy and been able to keep our normal day to day routine without too much of an adjustment. We have spent lots of time with family and friends. It has been really tough for me when she has to go with my husband for dinner or overnights. I know how very important it is that she always have a wonderful relationship with her daddy, regardless if he and I are together. Although it does not make it any easier for me each time that I have to pack her suitcase. I'll be honest, I think I still shed tears each time she walks out the door. I think it will always be heartbreaking for me because we are not a family unit anymore. No one ever thinks their marriage will end up in divorce, and I most certainly never thought that either. My heart breaks for her. She is the reason I get out of bed each day. I have tried my very best to be strong for her through this. Of course, there has been many times that I would just fall apart and sob. I have voiced to her over and over again that I am trying my very best to be everything right now and that sometimes, I just get overwhelmed. I make sure that she knows its okay to show emotion and that no emotion is wrong to feel. It is all normal. She worries like crazy about me but, that is just her nature. I'd be willing to bet she got that trait from me. It is both a wonderful and difficult trait to possess. We must move ahead together as a team. We have an amazingly close relationship and bond with each other. I have never been more thankful that we are so close. We have this super keen sense of what each other needs. Last night, in fact, we were talking and I started crying and she started crying and we both looked at each other and just started laughing uncontrollably. The whole mood changed and we forgot we were sad. For the rest of the evening, we would just look at each other and burst out in laughter. Gosh laughter can be such wonderful medicine. It is even greater in tough times such as now.
Another huge thing that has helped me through this has been going to coffee in the mornings. My sister encouraged me to join her and I was a bit hesitant at first but, its been such a blessing. There is the same group of people that sit and chat each day. It is like therapy for my soul. I can not tell you how much I had been missing simple face to face conversation with people in my daily life. I have made some really great friends that have been so caring and supportive. I love that I can go there and be myself. I can vent, cry, laugh or say something totally stupid and they will still think its important. I had been somewhat isolating myself for so long that I had forgotten how great it felt to feed my soul with conversation and wonderful company. For all that something so simple as a cup of coffee in the morning, has brought to my life, I thank my sister so very much for encouraging me until I finally joined her.
And my novel continues...
Another big and exciting thing in my life is that I am currently in a program to become a personal trainer. As many of you already know, I am somewhat of fitness freak. Perhaps I have slacked a bit lately as a result of my roller coaster life and utter fatigue. But, that is besides the point. I have a passion for fitness, namely running, and also helping others. I have thought many times that becoming a personal trainer would be a perfect and fulfilling fit for me. The situation of my husband and I ending our marriage, allowed me to decide to do this for myself. I vacillated several times on whether or not it was the right decision and something told me that I should just take the plunge and go for it. I was definitely feeling a bit out of my comfort zone stepping back into the classroom atmosphere after so many years. After the first couple of classes, I felt much more comfortable and began getting to know the others in the class. A class of only 9 students makes a very good learning environment for me. I am about halfway through the class and am feeling very good about my decision. I am really enjoying it. I still have yet to decide what my ultimate goal will be once I pass the certification exam. Right now, I just need to do my best to focus and complete the class to the best of my ability, especially with all of the other things going on in my life. My concentration has been somewhat difficult considering all of the thoughts that are constantly bombarding my brain 24/7. I am absolutely sure that I get exhausted just from my mind constantly running! Relaxing has always been a tough thing for me and lately, it seems to be worse. I know that the future holds good things ahead and that one day, I'll be able to relax and stop thinking about everything and everyone and possibly even accept the fact that I can not solve the worlds problems myself. I am only one person and am only capable of so much. So much easier said than done.
Throughout the last several months, I have been so blessed with an amazing support group of people in my life. It has provided me the opportunity to reconnect with my family and friends again. Since I had somewhat isolated myself for quite some time, I didn't often see the people that I cared about and cared for me. I have had so much fun catching up with the important people in my life. I have shared many tears and lots and lots of laughter with my family and friends. I also learned that in times like this, you really find out who your true friends are and those who are not. I am very grateful for all of the things that I have learned, both large and small, throughout this rough patch in my life. I know that it is such a good sign that I am still able to see the positive things and bright spots in such a tough situation. Things can only move forward from here and keep looking up.
Okay, I am going to finally wrap up this post. I have been working on this post over the course of the last several days. I have always written honestly about the experiences in my life and enjoy sharing it with you, my readers. I don't think I've ever had a tougher post to write than this one. It dragged out lots of emotion for me. I have never taken several days to write a single post. I apologize for the extremely long novel that it turned into. It will have likely taken you almost as long to read it as it did for me to compose it! I tried to just share a brief synopsis and as usual, it became much more detailed. Believe it or not, I only touched the surface. I feel better now that I am back to writing again. I hope that I have not scared you away because of the surprising turn of events in my life or even more so, that my posts will keep being too long and time consuming for anyone to read. I promise to be much more brief in upcoming posts and hope to get back to writing more regularly again. I hope you have a wonderful day! I'll leave you with one last thing that I would like to share...
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